Oscars Revenge

GW Yeatman


A young Bible college graduate eager to impress his parishioners enlisted the help of his younger brother Oscar to gather materials for a brilliant object lesson. This was his big mistake. 

The inaugural day came and the church overflowed with townspeople. The editor of the local rag peered pen-in-hand 
from the front pew to record hometown boy "done good." Permission was obtained from the elders for his cameraman 
to discretely "join" the choir as a duly robed member. 


Two bottles of water perched precariously on the lectern, registering with perfect cadence the Ricter of every organ note.  One bottle was transparent, sparkling with acoustically induced carbonated bubbles.  The other was translucent but stirred now to turbid opacity as if by God himself.  The congregation sat in awe as the dirty bottle grew darker. The sermon began with a solemn prayer followed by professorial elocution of a written text on purity. 

"We of Go-Forth Church have kept ourselves free from the pollution of sin. We are shining examples of clarity and offer potable solutions for a lost and thirsty world.  Most churches, however, are stained with the toxins of sin, stirred to full darkness by the powers of Satan."  

He summoned the congregants to come forward to taste from the "untainted" bottle, a symbol of their oath of purity.  One by one they came, sipped the holy substance and remained at the altar until every isle was clogged with the faithful.  

At this moment the first partaker's face turned pale.  Sweat beaded on his brow.  His mouth filled with a sour, burning liquid.  Suddenly a bright (photographer's) light flashed.  


Sister Quatran shouted, "I've seen the Lord."  


More faces blanched, mouths exploded with brown ejecta as dizzy heads found their way to the carpet. Half the audience climbed over falling bodies, running from the church in sheer terror.

The next day a photo was plastered over the front page of the local newspaper.  It showed the back of a clergyman standing with hands outstretched toward an assortment of disoriented congregants. 


The headlines read "Church Pukes the Devil out of Members." The entire town was in shock, the parishioners embarrassed, the pastor humiliated.  

Oscar and his chemistry class buddies, however, spent the day at the old swimming hole guffawing and snorting in hysterical delight.*


*This story is not intended to represent the behavior of any specific church or denomination, especially any such as may bear the name "Go-Forth."
........................................................................................................

My own fall from lofty "pulpiteering" was neither comical nor publicly humiliating.  But self realization of my condition did come as suddenly as a blinding light.  

All things in which I took pride had been taken, my nuclear family, my profession, my reputation, my health.  There remained only one direction to look, toward God.  


Upon reading the biblical story of two men praying in the temple, I experienced an epiphany.  One man lifted his eyes toward heaven and praised God for being more holy than the other.  The sinner had no such claim, but merely hung his head in shame acknowledging his sin and begging for mercy.


Suddenly I realized that for many years I had not been the person 
I claimed.  I was the braggart in the temple!  I crawled to the other side of the temple and begged God to forgive me of my greatest sin-pride.  And a great load was lifted.


"God Be Merciful to me a sinner."
                                   Luke 8: 13 KJV